


Ruined

by pomme_noir



Category: Star Trek (2009)
Genre: Angst, First Time, M/M, Romance, Star Trek: AOS
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-01-04
Updated: 2011-01-04
Packaged: 2017-10-14 10:15:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 21,136
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/148184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pomme_noir/pseuds/pomme_noir
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was supposed to be an epic friendship, not a romance.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ruined

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to my beta mamacita

It all began innocently enough. Jim was just trying to find signs of Spock’s feelings of friendship towards him. He knew from the Ambassador that they were capable of having a deep and meaningful friendship. He found he craved such a relationship with his first officer. While his friendship with Bones had both meaning and depth, he sensed it was nowhere near what he could have with Spock.

So he waited and watched. He saw nothing out of the ordinary. He received the same corner-of-the-mouth twitch when he told a joke as Chekov did when he went off on a rant about the wonders of quantum physics. They shared the same banal chitchat that everyone who played chess with Spock did. All of that hadn’t deterred Jim, though. He had gone out of his way in the first year to build up a camaraderie between them. There were times when he sensed Spock warming to him, usually right after a mission that had gone wrong, forcing them to fight for their lives.

He was uncertain when his attraction to Spock started. Thinking back on it, he believed it started after the night they finally managed to get Spock intoxicated. While the Ambassador had shown Jim through the mind meld that he was capable of feeling—which Spock further demonstrated by almost strangling the life out of him—nothing compared to the emotion Spock exhibited when he told Jim he felt friendship for him, and hated himself for it. It was intoxicating to know he made Spock feel such passion, even if it was hate. After the toxin had run its course, the confession was never mentioned. Jim could tell Spock was waiting for some kind of response to his outburst, but he remained mum about it. However, that didn’t mean he didn’t quietly exult in his victory of cracking his first officer’s Vulcan stoicism.

It was then that Jim started to watch the Commander closely. He didn’t see any signs of the friendliness Spock proclaimed to feel; his disapproval and anger, however, were obvious. He saw them in the way Spock’s lips would thin whenever Jim suggested a strategy Spock felt was reckless, or the way Spock went out of his way to make sure they never touched, even accidentally. The sense of deep friendship the other Spock had shown Jim spurred him on, despite his Spock’s seeming disinterest or lack of return of regard. Jim was all about lost causes.

It wasn’t until after Spock’s confession that Jim’s obsession began. He couldn’t help it. The more he tried not to think about Spock’s words, the more he thought about them. He struggled not to stare at his first officer while on the bridge. He often zoned as he watched the way Spock’s fingers flew over his console. Jim’s escalating infatuation worried him, but not enough to try and stop it—that is, until the day on the bridge when Spock leaned over the better to see something Chekov wanted to show him. One minute Jim was musing about what he was going to eat for dinner, and the next he was hard as a rock, mesmerized by the sight of Spock’s ass, put on display by the tightening of his trousers when he bent over.

Shock didn’t begin to describe how he felt. Jim jumped out of the chair and was already in the turbolift when he told Spock he had the conn. He thought about dropping in on McCoy in sickbay, but he couldn’t risk it. The bastard was too astute for his own good sometimes. Instead he went to engineering, where he stayed for the rest of Beta shift, and he sent a missive to Spock cancelling their plans to work out together. No, he wasn’t taking the coward’s way out—it was the logical thing to do. Spock was probably very busy in the science labs.

Later Jim wandered into Bones’ office and pilfered some whiskey from his “emergency” stash. He figured getting a hard-on when staring at one’s first officer’s ass constituted an emergency. Pouring himself a glass, he propped his feet up to await the presence of his best friend. He didn’t wait long.

“Dammit, Jim, that‘s my emergency supply! You’re buying me another bottle next time we have shore leave.”

Jim didn’t argue, only muttered, “Trust me, when I tell you the reason I’m drinking, you’ll give me the whole bottle.”

He could tell he had piqued Bones’ interest. “You didn’t hack into the Starfleet database again and go trolling? I keep telling you, Jim, you can’t just fu—”

“Thanks for your vote of confidence.”

“Jim, I have absolute faith in you when it comes to this ship and crew. Boredom, though, is your kryptonite—and possibly women.”

“Bones, you surprise me. Who knew you had unplundered depths in the form of antique comics?”

“I have a lot of depth, kid. You would have noticed before now if you weren’t so busy riding high on the joys of captaincy.”

Jim couldn’t hide the grimace. It hurt to know that was what his best friend thought of him. McCoy, realizing he had stuck his foot in it, did his best to apologize. “Pay no attention to me, Jim. I’m just a bitter old man.”

Jim smiled to show him there were no hard feelings. He knew Bones cared. “I wouldn’t say bitter, necessarily. Old, maybe.”

McCoy glared and snatched the whiskey bottle out of Jim’s reach. “For that you’ll now have to prove exactly why you think I should just give you the bottle. It’d better be good, too; no ‘Woe is me, being a captain is hard, I have to prance around in tight pants and charm beautiful women, all the while kicking hostile alien ass’.”

Jim shifted uncomfortably at the memory of just how tight their pants were, especially when someone bent over, and murmured something about indecency before saying, “Why would I complain about how amazing I am? That would just be…illogical.”

Bones snorts in response. “No need to say more. I understand completely: you’re having Vulcan overload. Doesn’t surprise me; you two spend so much time together— ”

“We do not. He spends all his time with Uhura.” Jim congratulated himself on not sounding petulant.

“I just can’t figure that one out. She’s a beautiful and intelligent woman; what can she possible see in that reserved bastard?”

“I can think of a few things.” The doctor gave Jim a look as he poured himself a glass. Jim ran his hand over his face and tilted his head back to stare at the ceiling. He didn’t want to see Bones’ face when he told him about his attraction.

“So, uh, I think—I mean—I sorta checked out Spock’s ass and, uh, got aroused by it.” The last part was rushed. Nothing but silence met his confession. When Jim lifted his head Bones slid the bottle of whiskey towards him.

“You’re right, but I’m not sure even a whole bottle is enough to obliterate that.” The doctor hesitated but then plowed ahead, as was his manner. “I don’t mean to be a nosy bastard, Jim, but I’ve never seen you with another guy. We’ve been out a lot together and you haven’t so much as looked at another male. Am I wrong in thinking this is a recent development?”

“Are you seriously asking me if all my previous carousing was a front for latent homosexual urges?”

McCoy glared. “No, you genuinely enjoy women too much for me to think that. Look, I don’t care if you find men attractive—that’s not what disturbs me. Actually, it doesn’t surprise me, though, that one gender can’t keep you happy.”

“I don’t want to screw men, Bones. Even you have to admit there’s something about Spock.”

“Oh yeah, emotional repression that manifests itself in fits of strangulation gets me hot and bothered. I’ll admit that, for some, all that repression probably comes off as mysterious and hot. I just never thought you’d be one of them.”

“I don’t know what to do.”

“Shit, Jim, you’d do best to forget any and all thoughts involving your Vulcan first officer. He’ll likely never return your feelings, and it will only end up harming your working relationship.” McCoy wasn’t unkind, but he was firm.

Jim nodded. This was why he’d come to Bones in the first place. He always gave it to you straight. They chatted about their next shore leave and were catching up on ship gossip when Spock walked in. His right eyebrow twitched at sight of the whiskey bottle and their two glasses. Jim fidgeted. He hoped Spock wasn’t upset with him for blowing him off to drink with Bones. Spock’s invitations to do anything outside of work were rare, and not to be taken lightly.

“Captain, an urgent message from Starfleet command just came through. Regulus VI has just sent out a distress signal. We’ve been ordered to respond.”

“Right.” Jim stood up too quickly and swayed a little. He wasn’t drunk, only buzzed. Spock automatically reached out to steady him. Jim was startled by the feel of Spock’s hand on his arm and stared down at it. He didn’t notice Bones’ approach until he felt the jab of the hypo.

“Thanks, Bones,” he said dryly.

“Any time, kid.”

Jim followed Spock back to the bridge. “Sulu, plot a course for Regulus VI. Uhura, what do we know of the situation? Is it geo or political?”

“I’m sending the information to your PADD as we speak, Captain.”

What he read while sitting in his chair made his stomach clench and ache at the familiarity of it. He could only hope they made it there in time. He alerted all departments to be on standby, then he worked with Spock to pick a landing team and figure out a way to defuse the situation.

When the landing party beamed to the surface, it was to total silence. Not the kind that came from desertion, but the aftershock of a massive explosion. Only moments later a second explosive went off. The ground shook and several fell. Spock merely dropped into a crouch and caught Jim when he stumbled. They retreated to lean against a building, knowing that it, too, could blow at any moment.

Jim scanned, looking for rebels. They had been sent here in response to the local government’s SOS, but also to see how strong a foothold the insurgents had gotten and if backup was needed. They seemed to have taken most of the capitol city, and the parts they hadn’t taken they were bombing heavily.

He heard Spock call up to the ship, requesting beam-up. It was then that he spotted the two young children. Without thought for his own safety he darted out to meet them. He heard Spock call after him. He had almost reached the children when another bomb went off. A piece of building debris hit the older of the two children. Jim knelt down and inspected him—a child of no more than seven years old. Suddenly he felt the beginnings of dematerialization and he quickly ripped off his transponder, which vanished seconds later. He divested himself of his gold command shirt and wadded it up, pressing it against the wound on the boy’s chest.

Assessing the situation and acknowledging the urgency of finding shelter quickly, Jim scooped up both children and crept along in the shadows of the remaining buildings. He didn’t know if the rebels would come in now or if they would continue to bomb. The younger child began to fuss and cry from the loud noises and the jostling. Jim couldn’t risk taking shelter in one of the buildings; he could only hope they would be out of the main part of the city soon. His other worry was that as they went into other sections of the city they would run into the insurgents; on the plus side, they would hopefully find more civilians.

They continued on until the sun was half hidden behind the smoke-blurred horizon. Sticking to allies and escaping crowds, they managed to avoid the rebels. With night falling they would soon need to find shelter and food, which left Jim with few options, especially since class discrepancy was the reason people were revolting against the present government. Most houses in this area were little more than shacks, providing little shelter and unlikely to have food.

Finally he found a shack that was out of the way enough to be safe but hadn’t been destroyed by the bombing. A search of the house turned up some basic medical supplies. He quickly cleaned and bandaged the chest wound on the oldest child. The younger one watched him the whole time. Jim smiled down at him.

“Hi, what’s your name? My name is Jim.”

The boy didn’t immediately respond, only moved closer to his brother. “Ash. Is he going to wake up?”

“He’ll wake up soon, don’t worry.” He hoped. “Hey, are you hungry?”

The boy nodded and Jim left to search the kitchen. He used the term lightly, because the shack was basically one big room partitioned off into smaller rooms. He found some dusty fruit on the cusp of going bad and some stale bread. He had to cut off the end of the loaf as it had started to mold. He returned to the room and gave the food to the boy. He himself could go without; it wasn’t like hunger was a new thing for him.

“I’m going to go look around, make sure it’s safe. Can you stay here and watch your brother for me? I won’t be gone long.”

The boy looked like he was going to cry. “My mom and dad said the same thing, and they didn’t come back.”

“Well, I’m really good at sneaking around. Listen—if you should hear anyone, hide, okay?”

“What about So’ur?” the boy asked, looking at his brother.

“You won’t be able to help him if you get hurt yourself. So what are you going to do if someone comes in?”

“Hide.”

“Good. I won’t be gone long.”

Out in the street again, Jim poked his head around a corner. The senate building was surrounded by armed guards. He watched for as long as possible to see if they were stationary or rotating. They were obviously well trained. Starfleet had been lied to: this wasn’t some underground rebellion by the people. This group were definitely paramilitary, which meant they were dealing with a third group of contenders for the leadership of the planet. It seemed most of the city’s inhabitants had fled to the rural outskirts. There was yelling and then gunfire. Jim took that as his cue to leave.

On the way back he ran into trouble. He had stopped and raided several houses along the way. He didn’t know how long he’d be stuck on this planet, and he needed to be prepared for at least a couple of days. It was while he was ransacking one of the hovels that he heard voices right outside.

“Search the house for the senator. When you’re done check the rest of the houses on this side of the street.”

“Yes, sir.”

Jim swore quietly. There was only one entrance and there was no way to go out the back window without making too much noise. He could either hide or try to overpower the guard. The only problem with that was that someone might come looking for him and discover the kids. Glancing around desperately for a hiding spot, he eyed a pantry. It was miniscule and would require some truly gifted contortions, but what other choice did he have?

He heard footsteps move through the kitchen to the back part of the house and suddenly remembered he’d left his bag of supplies on the counter. If the soldier looked hard enough he’d realize that the dust had been disturbed in several places. Jim held his breath and listened to the sound of the footsteps. They paused right outside the pantry. He just knew the solider was looking at his bag. Jim braced himself for discovery—and was met with the sound of retreating feet.

He stayed hidden for another five minutes, then finished gathering supplies and sat down to wait. He hoped the boys would be okay. He decided to get some sleep, knowing he’d probably be up most of the night guarding the boys. He knew that eventually his crew would find him. Spock would definitely find him, if for no other reason than that he would hate to have to explain to Starfleet command and his other self how he had abandoned his Captain on a hostile planet.

When Jim awoke it was deep into the night. He hurried back to their shelter. When a cursory search of the house turned up no kids, Jim started to panic. His stomach clenched painfully at the thought that the rebels might have found them. Then it occurred to him to check the closet, and there they were: curled together, the younger protecting the older.

Jim shook Ash awake. “Hi. What are you doing in here?”

Ash glared at him. “I thought you weren’t coming back. I heard people outside and I got scared,” he finished quietly.

“I’m sorry. I ran into them, too. That’s why it took so long to get back. Are you hungry?”

Ash shook his head. “So’ur woke up earlier, but then he went back to sleep.”

“That’s good. You want to come out? There’s a bed. I promise I’ll stay up and keep guard.”

Ash stood and tried to pull his brother back out of the closet. Jim brushed him aside, carefully picked up So’ur, and led Ash to the bed. He stripped off the dusty top covers and tucked the boys in. Sitting with his back against the wall, he watched them sleep.

Memories flitted through his mind, of nights spent in Sam’s room because he was scared of the noises the house made. Jim missed the closeness of having a brother. He still spoke to Sam, but he had his own life now with a wife, and a kid on the way. It didn’t for a split second stop Jim from wondering what it would have been like to have had Sam on Tarsus with him. He shut the thought down as quickly as it came; no good would come of it.

He kept himself awake by making provisional plans in case they had to survive on their own for the next couple of days. He thought of the boys’ parents and wondered if they were looking for their sons, and that made him think of his own mother. He quickly switched to thinking about the warp core manual he often read when he couldn’t sleep, but that made him sleepy. He thought about Bones and how worried and angry he’d be when Jim next saw him.

Lastly he thought of Spock. He thought of how Spock had called his name—not his title, but his name. He wondered if Spock said Uhura’s name while they had sex, which made him ponder how often he and Uhura did it. Considering it had been months stacked on months since Jim had so much as seen a naked woman, let alone fucked one, he couldn’t help the sharp spike of jealousy. He told himself it was definitely directed towards Spock and not Uhura.

When all else failed, Jim started writing his report in his head for the present mission. He was pulled out of his thoughts by Ash getting up.

“What’s wrong?”

“I have to pee.” He didn’t make a move, though. “It’s dark.”

Jim got up and held out a hand. Ash took it and Jim led him to the bathroom and waited for him to finish, then held him up so he could wash his hands. Back in the room he took up his position against the wall once again. He was surprised when Ash sat down next to him. Jim put an arm around him. He hadn’t been afraid of the dark for years, but he vividly remembers the time after returning home from Tarsus when the dark meant dreams. Ones that didn’t completely vanish with the light of day, made all the worse because he knew exactly what kind of evil lurked in the daylight, not the nighttime.

Something brought him slamming into reality, and instinct held him motionless. He felt Ash pressed to his side, head resting on Jim’s chest. Someone was standing a few feet away. He doubted it was So’ur. He felt the person shift, possibly reaching for a weapon, and he only had seconds to react.

Jim launched himself at the person’s, legs knocking them over, and scrambled up their body to pin their arms to the floor. He looked down into the surprised face of his first officer. Being so close to him, he was able see every detail of Spock’s face. Huh. That answered his question about whether Spock had to laser his eyebrows to make them even more Vulcan-y.

The sound of someone rushing down the hallway had him jerking up and reaching behind him for Spock’s phaser, but it was Sulu who appeared in the doorway. “Oh, good, you found him.” He didn’t seem at all stunned to see his Captain straddling their stoic Commander.

Jim blushed when Spock grabbed him by the hips to physically move him off. “Sorry,” he mumbled.

“I’m glad to see you are well, and that even in sleep you are prepared. Trust that you’ll never catch me off guard like that again.”

“Don’t worry, Spock. We won’t tell how you got felled by a measly human.”

“You are wrong in thinking I care. I was merely stating that you will not so easily catch me with my guard down again.”

“Uh-huh.” Jim remembered Ash then and turned around. “You okay, kid?”

Ash was staring wide-eyed at Spock, who was now standing and brushing himself off. “Don’t worry. That’s Spock—he’s the first officer on my ship—and that is Sulu. He’s a pilot.”

“His ears are funny.”

“That’s because he’s a Vulcan.” If possible, Ash’s eyes got even wider.

“Really? That’s so cool! Wait until So’ur wakes up—he’s going to be so jealous.”

The mention of his brother sobered Jim quickly. “Is the city secure?”

“We met with no resistance when we beamed down, but it would be wise not to linger.”

“You want to go see our ship?” Jim asked Ash. Ash, who was staring at Spock like he was Santa, nodded his head. Jim scooped up So’ur and followed Sulu out. They met up with the rest of the away team and beamed back aboard. Jim had barely materialized before Bones was yelling at him.

“You fool, do you have a death—” He shut up when he saw the little boy Jim was carrying. Hurrying over, Bones lifted him out of Jim’s arms and in the blink of eye was carrying So’ur away.

Jim looked down to find Ash clinging to his leg. He gently disentangled the boy and addressed the members of the security team. “Ensign Maddox, could you please take Ash down to sickbay so he can be there when his brother wakes up?”

“Certainly, sir.”

Jim leaned down. “I have to go take care of a few things, but I’ll be back as soon as I can.”

Ash looked like he was going to protest, but he looked in the direction his brother had been taken and then said, “Promise?”

“Promise.” With that reassurance, Ash allowed the ensign to lead him away.

“You’d better brief me quick, before Bones realizes I didn’t follow him and comes looking for me.” He was hungry and desperately wanted a shower, but he focused on the situation at hand. They needed to take back control of the capitol. Once that was done, they could push for peace talks.

“Sulu, did only three of you beam down? When I was out the night before I saw several dozen rebels patrolling the senate, and more going for house to house looking for a senator.”

“No, another team beamed down, too. Lt. Korrin said they found nothing. Everything was deserted.”

Jim rubbed his eyes. “They’ve gone underground.”

For the next three days they launched an attack against the rebels until they finally managed to subdue them. Along with Spock, Bones, and four crew from security Jim returned to the planet to meet with the rebel leader. For Jim it was like stepping into a nightmare. The houses were still empty, the air acrid with smoke and a familiar stench. They followed it to its source. He didn’t bother covering his nose. He knew from experience it wouldn’t help.

The bodies were stacked two high in smoldering piles of half-burned corpses. Jim stumbled blindly to the side of a building following the wall to the back end, where he promptly threw up. All he could smell was rotting flesh, offset by the begging of the half-dead. He felt strong arms encircle him and fought them. He wouldn’t let them take him. He knew what happened to the people they took—or worse, they would hurt him so badly he’d only wish he was dead.

“Dammit, Jim, quit struggling.”

He didn’t listen. He had to get away and hide. If he died, who would take care of the others? They were little more than defenseless babies, too young to understand that people didn’t care what happened to them.

He came back to the present to the feeling of half his face being on fire. He touched his lip and found it was bleeding. He barely had time to turn his head before he was dry-heaving. For the first time he could recall, Bones pressed a hypo to his neck gently.

“I’m sorry, Jim, I didn’t know how else to bring you out of it.”

Blinking rapidly, he stared at Bones and then at his surroundings. They didn’t look like they should. His eyes locked onto Spock, who was standing there watching them. Jim realized he was making noises, and it was hard to breath. He hissed his lack of appreciation at being stared at.

Bones turned around and said, “I’ve got the Captain, Commander. It’s best that you return to the rest of the group. We’ll join you in a minute.”

Spock looked like he was going to say something, but he turned around and left. Jim didn’t even realize he was clenching and unclenching his fists in Bones’ shirt until Bones covered his hands with his own.

“It’s okay, Jim. You’re safe—it was only a flashback.”

Bones took something out of his pocket and wiped at Jim’s face. Jim would have been embarrassed that his best friend was cleaning up his snot as if he was two if he hadn’t been so fucking grateful that he didn’t have to explain why he had just lost his shit. He had told Bones about Tarsus their second year at the academy. They had shared a lot of personal things that night. It was what had made Jim start thinking of Bones as his best friend instead of someone who would only stick around until they graduated.

He was still shaking and struggling to focus on the here and now instead of memories of long ago. It had all been so real. He’d felt the almost overwhelming pain of hunger, heard the cries as if he was _right there._ It was hard to shake the fear even though logically he knew he was not back on Tarsus.

“It was the smell. They had started burning the bodies when they started to rot so people wouldn’t eat them.”

He didn’t see but instead felt Bones flinch. “It was so fucking real, Bones. I could have sworn I was back there.”

“Do you want to go back to the ship? I avoided giving you a tranquilizer, but I can give you one. Spock can handle the peace talks.”

“No, I need to do it.” Bones looked like he might just pull CMO privilege and order him back. Jim straightened and pulled in a deep breath. “I can do it.” He paused. “Do you have anything to decongest me?”

Bones gave him a look. “After living with you I don’t leave the ship without at least five medications. I’ve never seen anyone more allergic to the galaxy than you.”

Jim almost smiled. He took the medication, grimacing at the taste. When he felt he was ready they rejoined the rest of the group. All four of the security crew looked like they were doing their level best not to get sick again, and were projecting an air of competence. If he hadn’t been struggling to keep it together himself, he would have reassured them. Jim looked at Bones and Spock and saw the signs of what it was costing them not to give in to the horror of what they saw. You knew a situation was bad when the resident Vulcan was showing signs of strain.

They continued on to the meeting place and as they progressed they came across more bodies. They could feel eyes tracking their movements from the shadows. By the time they were settled at the table and ready to begin talks, Jim was so angry he had to hide his shaking fists below the table. He was thankful when Spock took the reins and began the dialogue. He had to leave the room several times lest he give in to the temptation to reach across the table and beat the daylights out of the rebel leader. While he understood that the rebels had a legitimate grievance and that something had to be done about the class differences, it was no excuse for mass murder.

When they were done with negotiations for the day and were back aboard the _Enterprise,_ Jim took a moment to thank Spock for his help. “Thank you for your help today. If you hadn’t been there, we would have got nowhere with them.”

Spock inclined his head. “If you would excuse me, Captain.”

Jim waved him off and went to the bridge to type up the day’s report for Starfleet command. He was worried about Bones, but Jim knew he would push aside whatever he was feeling to take care of him instead. He couldn’t and wouldn’t allow Bones to do that. When he was done on the bridge he went in search of the doctor. It turned out he didn’t have to search far: Bones was waiting in his quarters. Jim accepted the glass Bones held out to him.

“How are you, Bones?”

Bones waved away Jim’s question. “I should be asking you that.”

“I’m doing much better. I wish Spock hadn’t seen me like that, but without him there today things would have gone a lot differently.”

“I don’t think I would have stopped you, either,” Bones said quietly.

“I haven’t thought about Tarsus in years, but then something like today happens. Then I can't help but remember all of it. The pain, the constant fear, the hunger, and it's enough to make me want to scream.”

They drank for another couple of hours before Bones bade him goodnight. Jim almost asked if Bones just wanted to stay, but something told him Bones would rather be alone. Jim hadn’t had a roommate for a year now, but sometimes he missed hearing Bones in the night. He read until he was so tired he could barely keep his eyes open; he could only hope it was enough to keep the dreams at bay.

He sighed and rolled over again. He couldn’t stay asleep; he had been trying for over three hours. Giving it up as a lost cause, he got up and got dressed and headed to the bridge. It was Gamma shift, and everyone was quiet. No one was surprised to see him. When he first gained captaincy he had often shown up to check in. It had been a novel experience and he had wanted to get to know all the bridge crew. After Lt. Horn gave him an update, Jim, too, lapsed into silence. As he watched the stars pass he had a surrealistic moment. He was in the outer reaches of _space._ It was both beautiful and terrifying.

It took half an hour to reach a semblance of calm, but it was not enough to make him tired. He left the bridge and wandered back to sickbay. He found So’ur and Ash curled together on a biobed. He couldn’t help but be reminded of the times when he would run to get Sam to protect him from the monsters in the night. He made a mental note to call Sam and his mother. Jim desperately hoped at least one of their parents was alive.

“It took forever to get them to sleep—they wanted to go see you. I had to tell them every story I could remember before they finally feel asleep.” Jim turned his head to see Nurse Adams.

“They must have driven Bones crazy.”

She gave a small smile. “We had a pot going on how long it would take him to start cursing you, but I think he secretly loved it. He must miss Joanna so much.”

Jim didn’t say anything. He knew how much Bones missed his daughter. Jim had been there for every birthday and holiday, where all Bones got was a vid-call, had been there with the alcohol and witty comments to make Bones forget.

“Are you have trouble sleeping, Captain? Do you want a sedative?”

“No, thank you. Just a little restless.” Adams nodded and left to check on another patient. Jim watched the two boys sleep for another minute before he made up his mind.

He didn’t encounter anyone on his way, for which he was glad. The last thing he needed was ship gossip about him creeping around at night having clandestine rendezvous. He had been doing his best to keep his amorous encounters to shore leaves and the occasional passing dignitary.

He pushed the button for entrance and waited. He wasn’t disappointed. A scowl greeted him, along with a grunt. He smiled and followed Bones inside. He felt a little bad about waking Bones, but as they passed through the sitting area he saw the nearly empty whiskey bottle and he let it go. Bones slipped back into bed without saying a word. Jim stripped off his command shirt and boots and lay down on top of the covers.

They had done this once before, after Bones and Jocelyn had got into a terrible fight over Joanna’s coming out to visit. Bones had drunk himself sick. Jim had cleaned him up and put him to bed, staying the night to make sure he was okay. Rolling onto his stomach, Jim looked at Bones. It had been stupid of him to leave the children in sickbay and not think about the fact that they would remind Bones of his own daughter, who he hadn’t seen in almost two years. Jim knew he could be a selfish person, but he tried to be different when it came to Bones.

“Stop staring at me. It’s creepy.”

“But Bones, you’re so pretty when you sleep.”

“Don’t make me sedate you.”

Jim smiled and closed his eyes, finally relaxed enough to sleep. Bones had to wake him a little while later when memories of Tarsus disturbed his sleep. He was grateful not to be alone and could only hope he was providing some companionship in return.

When he next awoke it was to the sound of the klaxons going off. Jim bolted up out of a sound sleep. He stumbled around looking for his shoes and grabbed his shirt off the floor, then ran for the turbo lift. He was completely alert by the time the doors opened onto the bridge.

“Lt. Commander, report.” Jim ignored the curious looks from the rest of the bridge crew.

“The computer is saying there is an intruder in the cargo hold. Security is investigating.” When security reported back that they had found nothing, Jim frowned.

“Ensign Reimer, what could possibly trip the sensors?”

“Unauthorized entry through either the loading doors or through the ship entry door. Someone could have hidden inside a container. The only other possibility is that someone beamed directly into the cargo hold.”

“Thank you, Ensign.”

It was then that Spock stepped onto the bridge. Jim hadn’t really noticed when he arrived that Spock wasn’t there—which was unusual as Spock always beat him to the bridge during red alerts. Jim gave him a look and got a pointed look in return. He glanced down and realized that he was wearing a blue science shirt instead of command gold. No wonder everyone had been giving him weird looks.

Bones chose that moment to make an appearance. “Just because you think the blue matches your eyes doesn’t mean you can steal my shirt.”

“Lucky for me I look good in gold, too.” He whipped off Bones’ shirt and put the gold one on. “Come on, Spock, we’re going to go check out the cargo bay.” Jim didn’t expect anything that the security team didn’t, but he didn’t like strange occurrences.

“First thing tomorrow I’ll run a computer diagnostic to make sure the alarm was not trigged due to computer error.”

He went to slap Spock on the shoulder on his way out, but pulled his hand back at the last second. “I never doubted you would.” Throwing an arm around Bones’ shoulders, Jim said, “Come on, Bones, there’s still a few hours left until we have to be on shift.”

They stayed in orbit over Regulus VI for another week; they had to wait until another ship could come and relieve them. Jim didn’t know what was going to happen to the rebels. He doubted very much that they would be put on trial. The government would be too afraid of losing the tentative peace. He couldn’t wait to leave. He had been making discreet inquiries into the whereabouts of the kids’ parents. He wasn’t going to leave them on that planet with no one to take care of them.

He spent most of his time on the ship, leaving the political aspect to Spock. He would have felt guilty about not pulling his weight if he hadn’t thought he’d jeopardize everything with his passionate need for justice. Instead he took care of everything Spock usually did as far as administrative tasks went. He was kept so busy that he didn’t see his first officer for more than a few minutes a day. What free time he had he spent with So’ur and Ash. He had forgotten how much energy kids had.

When the USS Armstrong arrived he beamed the kids down to their father’s waiting arms. Their mother, unfortunately, had been killed in the bombing. The Enterprise’s next stop was a star base to pick up more supplies, but Jim didn’t care. He ensured the father had his contact information and told the man that if he ever wanted to relocate or anything else, he’d help him. The boys clung to Jim when he said goodbye. Back on board he locked himself in his room and finished the rest of the backlogged paperwork. His yeoman was going to love him.

As he beamed down to the surface with Bones, Jim couldn’t help wondering what Spock was doing. Jim had thought about inviting him along, but Bones had vetoed that idea with the gentle reminder that he wasn’t going to get over anything by spending all his time around the object of his fascination.

They moved away from downtown and the trendy bars that held lots of tourists to mingle with but were also a likely place to run into crew members. The last thing Jim wanted them to see was their Captain and CMO picking up bed partners. They settled on a moderately busy place. After taking seats at the bar, they looked around. There was a pretty blonde dancing, but he knew the type. He’d have to shell out a small fortune in drinks before he’d get anywhere with her. His eyes darted to a redhead but he quickly dismissed her when a male came over and put an arm around her. He could either wait it out and hope for more options or go to another bar.

He turned to ask Bones’ opinion and saw him chatting up the bartender. So they were staying after all. While he pretended to watch the dance floor, Jim watched Bones lay on his game. Contrary to what anyone thought, Bones had quite the way with the ladies. All that brooding intelligence and dry humor made women fall in his lap. When Bones’ southern drawl made an appearance Jim lifted a brow at him and got a glare in return. Oh yeah, he was laying it on thick. Jim laughed and tossed back the rest of his drink.

Another quick perusal showed that no one of interested had shown up. When he turned around to order another drink he found one already sitting there. He glanced at Bones curiously to see if he had ordered him a new drink, but he wasn’t there.

Another bartender leaned over said, “It’s from that gentleman there.” Jim looked down the bar in surprise. A man slightly older than him raised his glass in salute and Jim nodded his thanks. He discreetly turned away and tested his drink. He had already had one incident back in the academy days that made him wary now of accepting drinks from strangers. It was clean, so he took a sip while he surreptitiously checked the guy out. He had black hair, but it was too dark to see what color his eyes were. He was broad shouldered and from what Jim could see he had a well muscled chest. Altogether not unappealing. It wasn’t the first time a guy had bought him a drink, but it was the fist time he’d thought of doing anything about it. He needed to know if his attraction was for Spock or if he was just a latecomer to bisexuality.

While he had been immersed in contemplation, the gentleman in question had got up and sat in the seat vacated by Bones. “Hello.”

Unsure how he wanted to play it, Jim gave a subdued hello back. The guy didn’t seem deterred. “Jackson,” he said, holding out his hand.

Jim shook it and replied, “Jim.”

“I’m going to assume you’re off the Federation ship that just docked.” Jim gave Jackson a look in response, but Jackson only laughed. “I can spot a Starfleet flunky a mile away. I grew up on Kronos VII. My mother was a Starfleet geographer, my father a electronic engineer.”

“No urge to join up yourself?”

“Fuck, no. Don’t get me wrong. I respect Starfleet and their mission, but I like being my own man.”

Jim smiled. “It’s not so bad. The perks definitely outweigh the negatives.” Jackson gave him a dubious look. “So what do you do that has you out in the middle of nowhere?”

“I captain a merchant ship.”

“Aren’t you a little young to captain a vessel?”

Jackson just shrugged and smirked. “I have a high aptitude.”

Had Jim not been freaking out about his sexuality, he would have paused and enjoyed the irony of the fact that he was basically being seduced by himself.

“Uh-huh. Look, I’ve got to be honest with you: I’m not gay. If you’re looking for someone to fuck, you’d better look elsewhere.”

“I didn’t think you were, but I also know you would have told me off a lot sooner if the thought hadn’t at least crossed your mind.”

“Thinking something isn’t the same as acting on it. I don’t fuck men.” Especially not men who were neither drunk enough nor submissive enough that he couldn’t control the situation.

“Who said anything about fucking?” Jackson leaned closer, and Jim realized his eyes were blue-green. “I promise to give you the best blowjob of your life, with no expectation of reciprocation.”

“What’s in it for you?”

“I can always hope you’ll be so impressed with how well I suck cock that you’ll be interested in seeing what else I can do with my tongue.” He pointedly stared at Jim's ass.

 _Fuck,_ he was _not_ getting hard from the thought. Most of the girls he’d slept with weren’t into rimming. There were always one or two that were down for anything, but on the whole most thought it was disgusting to be on the receiving end, let alone do it to someone else. Jim wasn’t fooled, though. He knew what came after the rimming—getting fucked up the ass. Frantically he searched for Bones. He didn’t know what he was thinking. His attraction to Spock would pass. He wasn’t into guys, it was just a fluke. Being out in space too long with no sexual outlet led to desperation.

Bones suddenly appeared, almost like he had been watching and waiting to see what would happen. “You good, Jim?” he asked.

“Yeah, fine. Jackson, Bones—Bones, Jackson.”

“Bones, huh? That’s an interesting name.”

“He’s the ship’s CMO.”

“I never would have guessed. I would have gone with security.” The quip was made lightly, but Jackson was acknowledging Bones’ protectiveness of Jim.

“No, despite his surly demeanor Bones is blue all the way. He gets a hard-on for microbes. What color do you think I am?”

Jackson gave him the once-over. “I would have gone with gold, but now I’m not so sure.”

“I guess you’ll never know.” Jim looked at Bones. “What happened to the bartender you were talking to?”

“We’re going to meet up after her shift. I was going to ask you if you wanted to go to another bar since no one here seems to have caught your eye.”

Jim shifted uncomfortably. He wanted to take someone home tonight, but he wasn’t ready for what Jackson was offering—even with his promise of no expectations. “Let’s go to the bar down the street.” He handed Bones his credit chip to pay for the drinks, knowing he would recognize his need to blow off Jackson.

“Listen, you’re not a bad-looking guy, but I just don’t think I’m ready to go there. Even if you say ‘no expectations’, you still have them.”

Jackson was quiet for moment, and then he reached into a pocket. “I’m going to be here for another couple of days.” He wrote something on the slip of paper he’d pulled out. “Here’s the name of the hotel I’m staying at, along with the room number. Should you luck out tonight, come find me. I’ll be here tomorrow night, too.”

Jim took the slip of paper with no intention of doing anything with it. Once he and Bones were outside, Bones looked at him slyly. “Well, you sure didn’t waste any time exploring your new-found bisexuality.”

“Fuck off. Notice how I’m not going home with him.”

“Much to his disappointment, I’m sure.”

As it happened, Jim did not go home alone that night; and if she had upswept brows and dark coloring, it was of next to no importance. Once he was back on the ship and the lights were off he couldn’t help but think of Jackson. The thought of being with a guy seemed like such a surreal concept. He could imagine it, but all he could see was himself kissing Spock, and even that was more abstract than concrete. It wasn’t that he couldn’t picture himself doing it, per se, but more that he couldn’t imagine any circumstances in which Spock would want to kiss him, so that made it harder to envision. He seriously needed to get over whatever the hell this was.

With that mindset, the next night he set out for the same bar as before. He let Bones think he was meeting up with the girl from last night again. He told himself he wasn’t nervous, that all he was going to do was kiss the guy. But Jackson wasn’t at the bar, nor was he on the dance floor. Jim ordered a drink and waited, but an hour later Jackson still hadn’t made an appearance. Jim stood up and reached in his back pocket for his credit chip and pulled out a piece of paper. He stared at it, not altogether certain it was a good idea. Jackson could already have picked someone up and taken them back to his hotel. Jim just wanted a kiss—that was it.

Fifteen minutes later he was knocking on the door. He ran his hands through his hair, shifting from foot to foot as he waited. Discouraged and half disgusted with himself, he had already taken several steps away when the door opened. Jackson stuck his head out and spotted Jim. His smile said it all.

“Hey, I didn’t think I’d see you again.”

“I’m not sure what I’m doing here. I just—wanted to see something.”

When he was once again standing before the door, he saw that Jackson was shirtless. He must have had that deer-in-the-headlights look, because Jackson grabbed the front of his shirt, pulled him in, and closed the door.

“Relax.” He turned away to put on a shirt. “Come on, come have a drink.”

Jim wanted to move, but his feet just wouldn’t comply. Jackson walked back towards him. “No pressure. I won’t do anything you don’t want me to.” Backing Jim against the door, Jackson whispered, “What did you come here looking for, Jim?”

“I need to know if what I’m feeling is some undiscovered facet of my sexuality or if it’s him.”

“The doctor from last night?”

“No, someone else.”

“So, what—we kiss and that’s to going to give you all the answers?”

“I hope so.”

“Hhhmmm.”

Jim held still and let Jackson cup and tilt his face. The first touch of Jackson’s mouth was whisper-soft, just the slightest pressing of lips. When Jim made no protest he returned, with more pressure. His lips didn’t feel any different than a woman’s, only Jim was the one being kissed instead of kissing. The touch of a tongue at the corner of his mouth had him parting his lips automatically. He didn’t know where to put his hands. Usually he was the one cupping the other person’s face. Putting his hands on Jackson’s chest would be too intimate, so he settled them on the other man’s hips.

Except Jackson took that as a sign to align their pelvises. Jim seized up.

“Relax. Just kissing, nothing more.” When Jackson pressed his lips to Jim’s once more, instead of remaining passive Jim kissed back. Allowing himself to get lost in the kiss, he didn’t stop to analyze his actions. One of his hands came to rest on the back of Jackson’s neck. The kiss turned heated and slightly sloppy. In the back of his head Jim couldn’t help but think Spock probably wouldn’t kiss like this. He allowed Jackson to maneuver him towards the bed, but he almost had another freak-out when Jackson covered his body. He could feel the other man's arousal pressing into him.

“I don’t think I want to do this.”

Jackson reached down and cupped the erection Jim hadn’t realized he had. “Let me just take care of this and you can go.”

As Jackson unbuttoned his jeans and pulled the zipper down, Jim covered his face with his hands. He lifted his hips when Jackson tugged, but he couldn’t help shaking a bit. He could face death with grim confidence, but a guy touching him made him shake like a leaf. Pathetic.

Jackson petted his stomach and parted Jim’s legs so he could fit between them. Jim couldn’t look. At the first lick to his cock he made a strangled noise and tried to shift away. He started to soften, but Jackson just swallowed him whole and sucked hard. When his tongue moved down to lick the underside of his sack, Jim just gritted his teeth and stifled any sounds that might have issued forth.

 _Fuck, he wasn’t lying about having a talented tongue._ When his orgasm came, it was almost painful. It also felt forced. Jackson slid back up his body and removed Jim’s palms from the sockets of his eyes. Jim couldn’t meet his gaze. “I think I should go.”

He was nearly finished dressing but paused at the feeling of fingertips running down his arm. He finished buckling his belt and turned around.

“Did you find your answers?”

“Yes and no.” Jim hesitated and then bent to kiss Jackson. He pulled away before the other man could respond. “Thanks.”

As luck would have it, he ran into Spock during a search for Bones. “Hello, Jim. Have you been enjoying your shore leave?”

“Uh, yeah. Have you seen Bones?”

“I have not. Is there something I can help you with?”

“No—look, I’ll see you later.” He brushed past Spock and headed to Bones’ quarters.

Bones hadn’t come back yet, so Jim broke in to wait for him. He knew as a starship captain he really shouldn’t be getting drunk, but right now he really didn’t give a damn. When Bones arrived, like the true friend he was he didn’t say anything snide about Jim breaking in or pilfering his stash. He merely poured himself a drink and sat down beside Jim.

“Tell me about it, kid.”

Jim sighed. “I don’t think this newly discovered facet of my sexuality extends to anyone else. I think it’s just Spock.”

“Well, then,” Bones drawled, “you’re fucked. Drink up.” And Jim did.

The next morning Spock rang the captain’s bell. When Jim didn’t answer, Spock decided he must be getting breakfast, as they were due to start their shift soon. When a search of both dining halls proved them to be captain-less, he asked the computer for Jim’s location. Spock was a little worried about him after the previous night. He’d seemed distressed. Stepping off the turbolift, he headed for McCoy’s room and rang the bell.

“Morning, Spock.”

“Doctor, I’m looking for the Captain.”

“He’s here. I just gave him a shot. He should be stirring any minute. Make sure he eats something before going to the bridge, otherwise he’ll likely be nauseated for the whole shift.” With that Bones left.

Spock glanced around and, not seeing Jim, stepped around the partition. He raised a brow at seeing his Captain awake and half hanging off the bed.

“Fuck, Bones, couldn’t you have brought me coffee before giving me that hypo?”

“The doctor has informed me that you need to have breakfast. As we are due on the bridge shortly, may I suggest that you get dressed?”

“Spock!” Jim sat up quickly and grabbed his head, cringing. “What are you doing here?”

“Looking for you, Captain.”

Jim winced. He knew that tone. It was the I’m-not-sure-how-the-hell-you-managed-to-convince-Starfleet-to-give-you-command-because-you’re-an-idiot tone. “I’ll make sure to grab something to eat. I’ll see you on the bridge.” Spock didn’t leave like Jim had hoped he would. “Yes, Spock?”

“I wish to inquire if there is something wrong.”

“I’m fine.” Spock didn’t respond; he merely left to go into the main living area. Today was just not going to be his day, Jim decided.

There was coffee and food waiting for him when he emerged. Spock still had not left, probably to ensure he followed Bones’ orders. He could feel Spock’s eyes on him while he ate. He steadfastly avoided eye contact, knowing it was pointless. Once a Vulcan got hold of something, he didn’t let it go until it had been dissected into its most minute parts.

“Captain, I could not help but notice you were distressed last night after returning from the surface. I sought you out this morning to see if I might be of service.”

“I wasn’t distressed,” Jim denied. He stood up. “Thank you for your concern and for the breakfast, but I need to return to my room. I’ll see you on the bridge, Commander.” He did not exactly run out of the room; no, it was more like a brisk walk.

He spent most of his shift doing paperwork. He had come to a decision. The only way to get over his feelings was to limit his contact with Spock, like Bones had suggested. He changed his schedule, halving the number of shifts he shared with Spock. He’d have to change the time he usually ate, too. He’d never noticed until now how often they took meals together. He couldn’t be too obvious about it or Spock would notice he was being avoided, and that would just lead to another scene like this morning. Damn Vulcan tenacity. Jim highly doubted Spock would notice any difference at all if Jim was subtle about it. He’d probably appreciate having more time to spend with Uhura or his experiments. No, the heaviness in his stomach had nothing to do with having to limit his time with Spock and everything to do with his lack of sleep.

For the next two months Jim threw himself into his work. He was now doing the majority of the paperwork, which coincidently did allow Spock to spend more time with Uhura. When he wasn’t working he had taken to haunting Engineering so much that everyone joked about it, asking when he was going make the switch official from gold to red. He had even managed to start writing a paper on security protocols when responding to political distress calls.

He was kept busy, but that didn’t stop the yearning. He told himself he missed his friend. The upside was that now he connected to the crew better, and he and Bones were closer than ever. And if on their last mission he had flirted a little too much with the Governor’s daughter, no one said anything. If he showed up on the bridge looking tired and pale, no one gave him a second glance.

It wouldn’t be so bad, Jim thought, if he didn’t keep catching Spock and Uhura all over the ship. For two discreet and private people, those two acted like a couple of hormonal teenagers. He had been sorely tempted to release a ship-wide memo on decorum. He was very much aware of how hypocritical he was being, thank you very much.

The first time he caught them he’d wanted to turn away, to not have another image of the two kissing, but he couldn’t. He was spellbound. He never would have thought Spock capable of such sweetness. He watched as Spock kissed Uhura’s temple and then the palm of the hand he held. Uhura brought up her other hand and held up two fingers. Spock stroked them as he leaned down to kiss her on the lips. It was the kind of kiss one gave when they were basking.

Jim felt like a dirty voyeur. They both would probably choke him if they caught him. He turned away and tried not to think about the fact that he had never been kissed and how he himself had never kissed anyone like that. That night he drank nearly a whole bottle of whiskey by himself. If he kept this up, he’d be able to drink Scotty under the table; not a bad compromise, he thought blearily.

The fourth time he caught them they were both leaving Engineering. Their heads were bent close together and Uhura was arguing fiercely. Spock suddenly swung Uhura up against the bulkhead and covered her body with his.

“Spock, someone might see us!”

“Is that not an essential element of your fantasy?”

She didn’t reply, only hitched a leg onto Spock’s hip and kissed him with fervor.

Jim badly wanted to tell them to get a room. This was a starship, not Risa. He didn’t, of course, just turned around and walked a little way down the passage and then came back, making sure to make lots of noise this time. And he mostly certainly didn’t stare at Spock’s swollen lips when he greeted them.

He slammed his tray down on the table. “I swear, if I catch Spock and Uhura making out one more time I’m taking a picture and spamming everyone.”

“Now, now, no need to be get bitter because Spock won the girl—or should I say don’t be bitter that she manages to fascinate him.” Bones made a face.

“Just remember, I could maim you and no one would think twice.”

“If you are to do physical harm to the doctor, may I suggest that you leave his hands intact? It is difficult to find skilled surgeons.”

Bones glared at Spock as he and Uhura took a seat at their table. “I’ll be sure to remind myself how skilled I am next time you’re in need of my expertise.”

Jim felt Uhura’s eyes on him, and it was all he could do not to fidget. He didn’t want to eat dinner with them and pretend everything was fine. He picked at his food and tried not to resent the way Uhura couldn’t seem to keep her hands to herself. When he would have got up and left, Bones grabbed his arm and anchored him. Jim glared at him.

“You haven’t finished eating,” Bones remonstrated him gently.

“I just remembered I have a meeting to go to.” It wasn’t true, and Bones knew it, but he relented when he saw how miserable Jim was feeling.

“See you later?”

“Yeah.” Giving Spock and Uhura a wave, Jim dumped his tray and headed down to Engineering once again. Maybe Scotty would let him play with the water temperature controls again.

Time passed with a swiftness that only the truly numb were gifted with. He was tired of wanting something he could never have, but was clueless as how to stop. Jim was able to continue performing his duties in an exemplary manner, so much so that Starfleet command couldn't be happier with him. He ignored the looks from his bridge crew when he'd stay on an extra shift, pretended not to see the side long glances as he ran that one extra mile that gave away the fact it wasn't a normal run.

Things came to a head though after the disastrous mission that was Phylor III. He and Uhura had been taken hostage. Jim had really thought after he had been wounded that that was it for him. Surprisingly, he found he wasn't as bothered as he thought he'd be. Being too tired to fight, he told Uhura, to without him. She had done so, albeit reluctantly. When he woke in Sickbay with bones sitting on his bed looking at him with accusation in his eyes, Jim didn't look away.

Jim didn't protest Bones' order of a weeks worth of down time, which only gave Bones the opportunity to watch Jim even more closely. Jim holed up in his room feeling like a coward and pitying himself. He didn't read the progress reports Spock sent him, ignored the ringing of the bell, and only left the room when his chances of encountering anyone were at the slimmest. Jim knew that if he kept it up much longer Bones would stage an intervention. It was almost tempting to let him do it; at least it was sure to be entertaining.

He was sitting in a chair, drink in hand, staring out his window when his door swished open. “Go away, Bones. I’m not in the mood to hear one of your pep talks.”

“Then it is fortuitous that I am not he.”

Jim stood up so fast he swayed. Reaching out a hand, he steadied himself on the chair. “Spock! What—what are you doing here?”

“I sent you a communication.” There was no censure in his voice for Jim having not answered, just curiosity. “I had expected to see you, but the Commander told me you were not feeling well.”

Jim didn’t know what to say. He was unraveling and he knew it. He had tried, really tried to let these feelings go. Instead, they seem to be multiplying and pushing everything else out of the way, leaving him feeling so raw and burned that he was surprised there weren’t marks to prove it. He didn’t fight the Ambassador’s hand on his elbow, guiding him to the couch.

“What troubles you, old friend?”

Jim blinked at him and then looked down. Spock was holding his hand. “Vulcans don’t touch,” he blurted. Spock only gave a twitch of his mouth in response.

A feeling of calm washed over Jim. It had been so long since he’d felt such peace that he sagged. He was surprised at his feelings of relaxation and comfort.

Instead of words he brought the Vulcan’s hand up to his face, giving him permission to see for himself what was bothering him. He almost sighed when he felt Spock’s presence. Something inside him unfurled and stretched to meet him. Jim felt an answering flood of emotions: curiosity, joy, nostalgia, love—and underneath all that a slight taste of desire. He couldn’t help but be enthralled by the outpouring of emotions from a Vulcan, this Vulcan in particular. He hid nothing.

Jim started with his childhood, the need to rebel in order to gain attention, the loathing he held for the man who could never measure up to the ideal of what his father would have been like had he lived. He hesitated to show Spock the next part, but he felt safe in the knowledge that Spock would never share it. Jim showed him the horror and carnage of Tarsus IV: the memory of what it was like to stumble numbly past the unseemly amount of dead bodies; the hardship of trying to sleep with the cries of the dying all around. But more than anything he recalled the hunger, the biting pain that grew with each passing day until he would have done anything to make it stop. The unwavering belief that he was in hell and he was doing penance for having ever believed he deserved love and attention. Here he had to pause lest he be overwhelmed with the memories.

_Such pain, my friend._

Jim was hit by a wave of compassion and, again, the heady sense of love. He wanted to wrap himself in Spock’s feelings. Never before had he experienced such compassion and understanding. Others had loved him before, he was sure, but it was not with the depth that this Spock did. He was high on the bliss of it. Riding on that feeling, he showed Spock the strain he felt captaining the Enterprise, the worry that he would make a mistake and command would be taken from him, the belief that he had got Lieutenant Cole killed because of his incompetence. He let the feelings of unworthiness of such an honor as being Captain of the Enterprise bleed forth.

The answering reassurance was almost instantaneous. It was amazing; Jim could feel Spock’s confidence in him. Jim was aware that he had done nothing to warrant it, that he was only receiving these emotions because he reminded Spock of his Captain. Spock was quick to disabuse him of this notion by reminding him of the events that had led him to being Captain.

_Yes, but that was because of you and the other you._

_Jim, I merely set you back on the path. It took strength to go against the me of this timeline, strength I could never instill in you. Your faith is a wondrous thing. It is what allows you to plunge head-first into seemingly unwinnable situations and come out victorious._

With Spock’s soothing words, Jim projected the last of his worries. He laid himself bare and showed Spock the longing he had for his Vulcan first officer: the burning need that was slowly eating away at him, the struggle to not let his feelings interfere with work and his friendship. How ashamed and confused he was at his inability to just let Spock go and move on. Jim wasn’t sure why, but he felt this Spock would understand, wouldn’t judge.

_You have nothing to be ashamed of, Jim. Some things, no matter what the timeline, are meant to happen._

Jim was confused. Then his heart stopped at the implication. _Were you and your Captain lovers?_

_Yes. We were everything to each other._

He wanted to ask who had made the first move. Were they happy? Were they still together when Spock had got dragged into this universe? As quickly as the hope had come, it was dispelled. Just because they had been a couple in the other universe didn’t mean they would be in this one. Spock was with Uhura, and was not likely to look twice at Jim. The weight of despair was enough to silence him. Spock sent him soothing feelings again. Jim might not have the attention and affection of the Spock in this time, but he had it from this Spock, and it was enough.

Even though he didn’t know what he was doing, he sought to pull Spock closer in his mind, to envelope him in return. He figured he had succeeded when he felt Spock’s amusement, followed by that oh-so-subtle burn of desire. He recognized it now that Spock had told him about his own relationship with his Captain. He knew it wasn’t really for him, but for some other version of him. It didn’t matter, though. It felt good. Jim was not aware that he was projecting his need as he floated in the awareness of the meld.

_I will love you no matter what ver—_

He came back to himself suddenly and realized he had all but crawled into the older Vulcan’s lap in his quest for comfort. He also realized his cheeks were wet and his breath was hitching. He pulled back to look Spock in the face, but Spock was not looking at him. Jim turned his head to see his first officer standing in the doorway.

“What is the meaning of this?”

Spock’s voice was clipped and cold, and Jim started. He had not heard the younger Spock take that tone since the Narada incident. He quickly collected himself. “Is there something you need, Commander?”

Spock pulled himself up. “I only came to check on your well being, Captain.”

“Thank you for your concern, Commander. I’m doing fine.” Spock was not looking at him, though; instead he was doing the Vulcan equivalent of glaring daggers at the Ambassador.

“I wish to speak with you,” Spock told his other self.

Jim was about to protest, but the Ambassador got to his feet without a word. Selfishly Jim grabbed his hand. Don’t leave me. Two fingers came up and brushed across his forehead. He thought that was weird but didn’t say anything.

“We shall continue our conversation tomorrow. It is best that you rest.”

Jim didn’t argue. Now that he wasn’t engaged in the meld he found he was exhausted. Sparing a brief look for his first officer, he stood and moved to the bathroom to perform his nightly ablutions. He heard the swish of the door opening and then closing. When he crawled into bed he spared the barest of moments pondering what Spock could possibly be upset about, then he drifted off.

As it happened, he didn’t see the Ambassador all the next day, nor did he see his first. When he arrived on the bridge, Lt. Krirnard was at Spock’s station. Jim sat down in his chair and began reading over his messages. He spotted one from Spock and opened it first. It informed him simply that several of Spock’s department’s science experiments were in critical stages and required his attention, and as such he would not be on the bridge. This was not an uncommon occurrence, but Spock usually informed him in person when he would not be on the bridge. Jim wondered again at Spock’s displeasure the night before. Maybe, he thought, Spock had been mad at him and sought to remove his elder counterpart from Jim’s presence and supposed damaging influence. The thought saddened him.

After he had finished reading and responding to his messages he sat quietly. He had a wicked headache and was rubbing his forehead when he felt the tingle that told him someone was staring at him. He swiveled his chair to look behind him and met Uhura’s gaze. He gave her a half-smile, and she quickly turned back to her station. He found it an odd reaction considering her softening towards him since that awful away mission. Is everyone mad at me? he wondered, but then he dismissed the thought and joined Sulu’s and Chekov’s discussion on ninjas versus the native people of Syndeval from several missions back.

Jim had just sent off a reply to Starfleet command and was seriously contemplating braving sickbay as opposed to trying to just sleep off whatever bug he had when his bell rang. “Come in.”

Spock entered and walked stiffly up to his desk. “Captain, I feel it is my duty to comment on the fact that it is not healthy to ignore that which is making you upset in the vain hope that it will desist.”

Jim just stared at him and then started to laugh. “Hello, Kettle.” Once Jim started laughing he couldn’t stop—because, seriously, it was hysterical that a Vulcan should be lecturing him on emotional suppression. He was laughing so hard that it was difficult to breathe, and he put his face down on the desk. He could feel his eyes starting to tear up.

Spock leaned over and pressed a button. “Spock to sickbay, come in.”

“McCoy here, go ahead.”

“Doctor, you are needed in the Captain’s quarters immediately.” He released the button in the middle of the doctor’s alarmed question.

Jim hadn’t stopped laughing by the time Bones arrived, thought he had quieted some. Bones took one look at him and glared at Spock. “Dammit, you had me thinking this was a medical emergency or something. Do you know how backed up we are in sickbay? There seems to be a virus going around.”

“Doctor, forgive me, but the Captain seemed to be exhibiting signs of hysteria. I thought it prudent to call you.”

Bones frowned at Jim. “He’s just laughing.”

“Bones! Spock called my pot black. It’s funny. He just doesn’t get it, Bones. I was stupid to think he might ever.”

Spock stiffened at the remark. Moving forward, Bones grabbed Jim’s chin and tilted his face up. His eyes were glassy and his cheeks were flushed with fever. “Jesus, Jim, you’re burning up.” He tugged Jim to his feet and maneuvered him towards the bed.

“He just doesn’t get it,” Jim repeated, chuckling to himself.

“I know,” Bones soothed.

“You get it, though, because we’re family. The Ambassador gets it, but that’s only because we melded, and because he and the other Jim were twyla—”

Whatever else Jim was going to say was cut off when Bones pulled his shirt over his head. He needed to get Jim into the shower to cool down his fever. If he tried to give him medicine now, his body would just burn it off. He was about to undo Jim’s pants when he remembered they were not alone. He needed to get rid of Spock. Jim’s fever was high enough that he didn’t realize what he was saying.

“You can go, Commander, I’ll take care of him.”

Spock looked ready to protest but inclined his head in acquiescence. He was almost to the door when he heard Bones curse. Jim has lost consciousness and the doctor was struggling to hold him up so he could finish undressing him. Spock quietly returned and took Jim’s weight on himself. Bones frowned for a moment but then returned to stripping Jim. He figured since Jim was unconscious it was all right. He left Jim’s underwear on for modesty’s sake.

“Let’s get him in the shower.” Bones turned on the water and leaned against the wall to remove his boots and socks before stepping into the stall. He ignored the cool temperature of the water and reached out to take Jim from Spock. Bones held Jim under the spray until the timed water controls shut it off, then passed Jim into the waiting arms of his first officer. Ignoring his own bedraggled state he helped Spock dress their friend and put him to bed. Shivering, Bones carefully administered several hypos. Jim stirred briefly, but subsided when Bones shushed him and told him to sleep.

Realizing Spock was still present, Bones pulled his hand away from Jim and shifted uncomfortably. “His fever has come down some, and the medicine should eliminate the worse of the symptoms within six to twelve hours.” He hesitated, then continued, “I need to go change. Can you watch him until I get back?”

“If his condition is that serious, it would wise to transfer him to sickbay,” Spock argued.

Bones sighed. “It’s not serious. I just want to make sure he’s comfortable, and that his fever doesn’t spike again.”

Spoke nodded and Bones left. Spock looked at Jim and wondered if his inability to _get it_ has damaged the beginnings of his friendship with his Captain. If only Jim would tell him what he was supposed to get. It almost seemed everyone but him “got it.”

Movement from the bed caught his attention: Jim had kicked off his blanket. Spock pulled the blanket up and tucked it in so it wouldn’t be so easy to kick off again. Jim was looking at him when he glanced up.

“Spock.”

“You should rest now, Captain.”

Jim smiled at him—one of his real smiles, not the tight-lipped one he had been giving Spock for weeks. Spock was so surprised and _pleased_ to see it that he wasn’t paying attention to Jim’s hands, so when one came up and stroked his cheek he was startled. The strength of emotions coupled with the unexpectedness of the touch was enough to temporarily bypass his barrier, and Spock reeled under the onslaught of Jim’s feelings.

Catching Jim’s wrist, he gently moved the hand away. “Dr. McCoy will return shortly and he’s expecting you to be asleep.”

He might have not spoken for all the attention Jim was paying him. Instead he was staring intently at Spock’s hand on his wrist. Spock let go quickly and took a step back. He debated the likelihood of incurring the doctor’s wrath for leaving Jim before his return and was working on inventing a valid reason to leave when Bones returned.

“If you’ll excuse me, I have to check on one of my experiments. It is about to reach the critical stage.” Without waiting for a response, he left.

Bones glanced suspiciously at the bed, but Jim was asleep.

Jim was bored. He’d been in bed all day under the strict orders of the CMO. Bones had left earlier and now he was alone and antsy. Deciding to risk the wrath of Bones, he got out of bed and started to dress. He had just pulled on his pants when the buzzer rang. Afraid it was the doctor, he hotfooted it back to bed.

“Enter.”

It was not the doctor, but Spock. “Hey, Spock. What can I do for you?”

“I came to see if your condition has improved.”

“I’m feeling much better today. Bored to tears, though. Please tell me you’re here to give a report—or even better, play chess with me?”

“I have some time before I must return to the bridge.” Spock went and collected the chess set and began setting it up. “Black or white, Captain?”

“Black. It’s been a while since we’ve played, hasn’t it?”

“One month, three days.”

Jim couldn’t help his surprise and the guilt that immediately followed. He hadn’t meant to push Spock away in his attempt to get over his feelings. It was hard to tell, though, whether Spock had noticed Jim’s withdrawal or not. He’d never said anything, but Spock rarely did, unless it was to tell Jim he’d been suicidal.

“That long, huh? Yeah, it’s been crazy around here lately.” Spock neither agreed or disagreed as he made the first move.

It was not long into the game when Jim became aware that Spock was distracted. Jim had just managed to put Spock’s queen-side castle into check. Usually Spock would be staring intently at the board followed by the return of serenity when he found something that would make Jim pay. Now there was intense staring, but no serenity. When they locked eyes Jim shifted uncomfortably. It never paid to have Spock’s undivided attention, he’d learned. The last time his first officer had been like this was when he and Uhura had had a fight. Jim had ended up explaining the whole “just apologize, who cares whose fault it is, just do it because no matter how logical the woman is, sometimes you just can’t win” fact of life to him.

“Jim, may I ask you a question?”

Jim seriously contemplated faking narcolepsy, but Spock had called him Jim, and he’d always been a sucker for that. “Sure, anything.” Preparing himself for a long and torturous conversation, instead he was startled.

“Are you and Dr. McCoy engaged in a committed relationship, or—” and here he hesitated— “are you only satisfying one another’s biological needs?”

Jim just stared at Spock, searching his face. It was hard to tell sometimes whether Spock was joking or asking an honest question. “Did you really just ask me if Bones and I are having casual sex?”

Spock stiffened at his choice of words, but replied, “In a manner of speaking, yes.”

“Why do you want to know? I wouldn’t have thought you were one to take a prurient interest in your Captain’s love life.” Jim smirked when Spock’s ears flushed green at the tips.

“Indeed, I do not.”

Jim sighed and took pity on him. It really was so much fun messing with Spock’s head. “Bones and I are just friends. Neither of us have a sexual interest in the other. I get that our closeness and my reputation tend to make people jump to conclusions, but really, can’t two guys just be close friends?”

“You are the Captain and Doctor McCoy the CMO; both are positions of power. Crew curiosity is not uncommon.”

Jim moved another piece and Spock took the hint: they returned to their game. Jim was busy wondering at Spock’s inattentiveness. Thinking it was his turn, he reached forward. When his hand brushed Spock’s, he quickly pulled back.

“Sorry, thought it was my turn.”

He darted a nervous glance at Spock’s face. Spock sat motionless, staring at him. Jim started to panic. The contact had been so brief there was no way Spock could have read him that quickly, he reassured himself. He didn’t move but waited to see what Spock would do. He jumped when Spock slowly reached out to grab his hand. Jim tried to remove it, but Spock wouldn’t let him. Something suddenly clicked in Jim’s head.

“What did I do?”

“When you were ill yesterday you touched me.”

All he could do was whisper, “Sorry.” It was as bad as he’d thought it would be. “I’ll get over it. It won’t affect anything.”

“It already has.”

Jim realized then that Spock hadn’t let go of his hand and was in fact petting the palm with his thumb. His heart rate spiked. “Spock.”

Spock moved from behind the chess board and sat down next to him. To Jim it was too unreal, so when Spock’s lips pressed to his he laughed. Spock went to pull away but Jim gripped his shoulders to keep him in place. He kissed back, with more desperation than finesse. As hard as Jim tried not to analyze what was happening, he couldn’t help cataloging little things, like the texture of Spock’s skin, drier than his own but still so soft.

He took as much as he gave, and he thought of how easy it would be to just let this continue. Unfortunately, the thought of Uhura intruded, so he turned his head, breaking their kiss. “What about Uhura?”

Spock blinked at him in incomprehension for a moment before he stood up. “You are right. I apologize. I should not have done that.”

Jim didn’t bother telling him that he need not apologize to him, for it was beyond amazing to just touch Spock, let alone kiss him. He suspected Spock knew that, though. Fuck, he hoped that when Spock told Uhura, she wouldn’t kill him. After all, Spock had initiated it, not him, not that he really thought that would make much difference to her. He already was one of her least favorite people.

“Spock—” He turned to see that he was addressing a retreating back.

It had been over a week since the kiss, and Spock hadn’t approached him once. Jim wasn’t naive or stupid. He knew Spock had decided to stay with Uhura. Why wouldn’t he? She was an exceptionally talented and brilliant woman. It didn’t stop him from replaying the kiss over and over in his mind, though. He finally knew what Spock tasted like; he just wasn’t sure whether knowing made things better or worse.

He returned to his quarter in a state of high agitation. Through the years he had found there were only two cures for when he got like this: fight or fuck. Neither was a viable option on a starship. Being Captain meant there were firm rules about who he could and couldn’t fraternize with, and the only person he could even remotely unleash on was Spock. The last thing he needed was to do was touch the resident Vulcan—he probably wouldn’t stop once he started. Releasing a frustrated sigh, he decided to jerk off in the shower before going to see what Bones was up to.

He had just pulled off his shirt when someone buzzed the door. Jim ignored it. If it was important, they’d comm him. The buzzer sounded again as he took off his boots, and then the door swished open as he unbuttoned his pants.

Figuring it was Bones, he didn’t bother trying to make himself presentable. “Hey, I was just coming to find you. Let me take a shower and then we can go get something to eat.”

“I must inform you, Captain, that I am not Dr. McCoy.”

Jim turned to face Spock. Normally he wouldn’t care about his first officer seeing him half naked, but he would rather be dressed if he had to hear that Spock thought their kiss was a mistake and that he was staying with Uhura.

“What can I help you with, Spock? Obviously something must be troubling you if you keyed in unannounced.”

Spock's already straight posture stiffened even more at the slight rebuke. “Forgive the invasion of your privacy, Jim. I came because I couldn’t help noticing your agitation today on the bridge.”

“And you thought you’d come here and, what…talk?”

“If that is what you need.”

“What if I told you I needed something else?” He moved closer to Spock, making his meaning clear.

“Then I would say I’m very good at problem solving.”

“What about your girlfriend? Does she know how helpful you are?”

“She would if we were still involved.”

Jim didn’t know what it meant that Spock and Uhura were no longer together, but right then he didn’t care. He stepped up to Spock, grabbed his face, and brought their mouths together. He made sure that this time his skill was on display. This might be his only chance with Spock, and he was going to make damn sure it was memorable. Jim held nothing back. He poured his love and need into every press of his lips and every caress, willing Spock to accept and reciprocate. The Vulcan’s answering kisses and touches were tentative at first but became bolder as time went on.

Jim maneuvered Spock towards the bed and pushed him down on it. He climbed on top of his first officer and wasted no time divesting him of his shirts. He pulled back to admire the view before leaning down to rain kisses on the exposed chest. He hummed in happiness when one of Spock’s hands came up and cupped the back of his head, the other sliding underneath his shirts to trace down his back.

There were moments of awkwardness, but that was to be expected seeing as neither of them had been with a male before. They stroked each other lazily at first and then frantically.

“Do you want to….”

Spock just blinked at him for a moment before he understood what Jim was asking. For the first time Jim was able to see every emotion Spock had: confusion, anxiety, _want._ He knew if Spock didn’t want to have sex, he’d say something; but admitting to wanting something was a completely different matter.

Jim leaned over and opened the drawer closest to his bed and pulled out the bottle of lubricant. Jim hoped Spock wouldn’t notice how his hands shook lightly. He watched Spock as Spock watched him preparing himself. He felt Spock quiver beneath him when Jim had to lean forward and balance himself on Spock’s chest. If it had been anyone else he would have been embarrassed about what he was doing and about being watched, but the Vulcan was staring at his hand with such intensity as to clearly state that he was riveted.

Jim’s movements were awkward; he wasn’t really certain what he was doing. When he felt he had done a good enough job stretching himself, Jim unstraddled Spock and positioned himself on his hands and knees. Spock entered him slowly, but despite the consideration, it hurt—no, burned—so much that Jim found himself instinctively fighting to get away. How could people find this pleasurable? he wondered as he forced his body to stay, telling himself he’d endured worse.

Jim became aware of Spock petting his back and ass, not moving. Jim held still until the worst of the pain had abated and then tentatively moved his ass back against Spock. Spock, taking it for the encouragement it was, pulled all the way out and then pushed back in slowly, allowing Jim to adjust.

Oh god, he could feel keenly how he was stretched around Spock’s cock. He could only imagine the picture he must make on his knees. When Spock did begin to move it was in short but firm strokes, forcing Jim to pant harshly. It was such an exquisite mix of pain, fullness, and pleasure that he couldn’t help the moan that escaped or the way his legs widened and his body dipped lower to accommodate Spock. Jim might have found the wherewithal to be embarrassed if his movement hadn’t caused Spock’s cock to rub against his prostate.

“Unh!” So that was why men did this. “Fuck, Spock!” His fingers clutched the bed covers and he rotated his hips, seeking that spark of pleasure again. Spock was only too eager to give him more.

It wasn’t hard for Jim to get lost in the slow drag and thrust of Spock’s movements. The only problem was that after a while he became used to the stimulation and stopped being distracted, which allowed his overactive brain to start working. Spock wasn’t making a lot of noise, and Jim couldn’t help wondering if he was this quiet with Uhura. Was he enjoying this at all? Would he ever want to do it again? As if in response, Spock bit his shoulder and thrust hard.

“Ngh!” _Fuck, that hurt._ He bet Spock had left a mark, and the thought only made him impossibly harder. No one would see the bite mark, but he’d know it was there, tangible proof that what they were doing had been real.

Spock took Jim by surprise when he suddenly grasped him under the arms and straightened him up against his chest. Then he proceeded to thrust into him so hard that all Jim could do was scramble for purchase and remember to breath between his moans. He sat back into the Vulcan’s lap and took it, knowing he’d pay the price for it tomorrow and not caring.

When Spock wrapped one arm around his waist, Jim covered it with his own and linked their hands. This elicited a response and prompted Jim to slyly lift Spock’s left hand and lick from his palm to the tip of his middle finger.

“Jim.” The husky response had him automatically clenching around the hard length inside of him.

Spock retaliated by using his legs to spread Jim’s wider. Jim moved the hand he’d been using to brace himself to grasp his cock and stroke. He was so close, from the mix of pain and pleasure. He ground his ass back into Spock’s lap, hoping to find that spark again…and oh, fuck, there it was.

“Jim, I do not think I’ll be able to hold back much longer. May I?” Spock’s hands hovered at Jim’s meld points.

“Fuck, yes, please.” He wanted Spock inside him in every sense. He remembered how good it had felt when he’d melded with the Ambassador and he wanted it again.

Jim had only a split second to feel Spock’s jealousy at the thought and then he was overwhelmed. He was experiencing everything Spock was thinking and feeling; it was beyond anything he had ever experienced.

When he came back to himself he realized he was clutching Spock’s hair in both hands. Spock was holding him tight and murmuring soft reassurances while Jim gasped for breath and shook. He gently unclenched his hands and sagged forward. His whole body was tingly and he was lightheaded. Spock eased him face-down onto the bed before pulling out. Jim cried out at the pain. He really hoped he still had some of those painkillers left that Bones had given him.

Spock left the bed and returned in a moment with a cloth, using it to gently clean Jim up.

“You don’t have to do that. I’m going to go take a shower. Just as soon as I can get up.”

Spock didn’t respond, merely continued to clean him. Jim didn’t know what to say. He wanted Spock to stay, but he didn’t want to come off sounding needy. He felt the bed dip and then the covers were pulled over him. Fingers brushed his face and Spock said, “Sleep.”

When he awoke to his alarm, he was alone.

He avoided Bones all of the next day, but when Bones cornered him in his ready room Jim knew the shtick was up. Bones looked him over carefully, taking in every detail, and then cursed a blue streak. “God-fucking-dammit, Jim!”

Jim decided to go with innocent. “What’s your problem, Bones?”

Bones scowled in response. “Don’t get cute with me. You think I don’t know you? I know exactly what you look like after you’ve had sex. You’re all loose limb and calm.” He sat down abruptly in the chair on the other side of the desk. “Jim, I know you’ve been going through a rough time lately, but you have to be careful. What if the girl files a report for harassment?” He looked so genuinely worried that Jim rushed to reassure him.

“It’s not like that, I swear.”

“Then who?” When he didn’t reply, Bones fell back against the chair. “How the fuck did you get him to cheat on Uhura?”

“They’re not together any more. You really think I’m such a bastard as to do that?”

Bones didn’t answer. He was quiet for a stretch of time before finally asking, “Jim, how much do you know about Vulcans?”

Jim shrugged. “What do you mean?”

“If Spock has left Uhua and has had sex with you, then he must be serious.”

Jim rolled his eyes. “Spock is always serious.”

Bones slammed a hand down on the desk. “Shut up a second and listen to me. Vulcans don’t do casual. If he’s broken off a relationship and has had sex with you—I’m assuming he’s never been with a male before, either—then he must be considering you as a potential partner.”

“I’m fine with us being partners. I know Spock isn’t the fuck-‘em-and-leave-‘em type.”

Bones growled in frustration. “Partners was the wrong word. I should have used mates. Spock is looking at you becoming his mate.”

“Like a spouse?” Jim asked incredulously.

“Yes! From what Geoff has told me, Vulcans pair off when they’re young. With the loss of his planet and most likely his previous mate, it only makes sense he would seek to find someone to replace her.”

“Makes sense.” The thought of Spock checking to see if they were compatible in every way made him sick. It had nothing to do with the thought of Spock wanting to be with him on a permanent basis, either.

Jim stood abruptly and left his ready room, calling out change of control when he was already inside the lift. Bones was about to step into the lift with him but Jim quickly closed the doors to prevent it. He couldn’t handle anyone right now. He holed up in one of the superfluous meeting rooms. Jim knew one of them would find him eventually, but until then he had peace. He used that time to think about what he was going to say to Spock, to work up the courage to let go of something he had longed for and only just got a taste of.

Two hours later Spock found him. “Captain—Jim—I could not help but notice your hasty departure from the bridge earlier. Is there something I need to be made aware of?”

“Why did you sleep with me, Spock?”

“I would think it obvious.”

Jim shook his head. “Did you fuck me because you wanted to or because you were testing me to see if I was worth your time?”

“I admit that I did engage in sexual relations with you to evaluate our compatibility. It would be imprudent to linger if we were both not satisfied. I did not think you would take umbrage, considering your casual outlook on sex.”

“I see,” Jim said, his voice flat and cold. “You figured that since I’m such a slut it wouldn’t matter if you stuck around after we had sex—even knowing that was my first time with a another male—because at least I got laid.”

“Jim, that is not—”

“Save it, Spock. I’m really not interested in what you have to say right now.”

Jim returned to his room and started working on reports. He didn’t even realize he’d zoned out until he looked up and sees Bones staring at him with concern.

“You all right, kid?”

“I’m done,” Jim told him.

He was reminded of why Bones was his best friend when the other man didn’t say “good” or “I told you so,” only asked if Jim was still coming to poker that night. Even knowing he was too distracted not to be taken to the cleaners, he went, if only for the simple reason that he knew Spock wouldn’t approach him around other people.

Jim made a point of making sure he was never alone, and when he was forced to be, he hid. Not the most mature way of handling things, but he didn’t know how else to deal with it. He was sitting in the mess hall with Bones when he spotted Sulu and Chekov staring at him.

“Why is everyone staring at me?”

“They’re trying to decide if mom and dad are getting a divorce.”

Jim looked confused and Bones sighed. “Jim, the bridge staff can tell that you and Spock are on the outs. As for the rest of the crew, it’s because it’s now out that Spock and Nyota have broken up. And the rumor is that Spock broke up with her so he could pursue you.”

“How the fuck do you manage to keep up with ship gossip?” It was not awe in his voice.

Bones shrugged and said, “Chapel.”

“Uh-huh, pillow talk? Besides, you know I’ll never leave you.” The last bit was said as his yeoman came up to the table to hand him an urgent message from Starfleet command. After she left he smiled contritely at Bones. “So, how long before it’s circulating that I declared my love for you in the mess?”

“Ten minutes, if Lieutenant Commander Stern is on duty. I’d better go do damage control. Oh, and Jim, get some sleep. You’re looking as average as the rest of us.”

Jim didn’t know if he was disappointed or not that on the occasions when he did have to interact with Spock, the latter didn’t try to talk to him after business was taken care of—not that Jim left him much opportunity. He was done being angry with Spock. The Vulcan was only doing what came naturally to him, finding a mate. He noticed that the bridge crew perked up visibly when the tension between him and Spock started to ease, making him feel guilty. Jim also noticed that after a brief period of avoidance, Spock and Uhura were back to eating meals together. Jim thought it good and right that Spock should get back together with Uhura. She would be the ideal mate for him.

From time to time he noticed Spock looking at him. He’d nod and Spock would nod back before returning to whatever he’d been doing before. Their chess games and workout sessions were still on hiatus. He kept to the schedule of working opposite shifts from Spock. Upon seeing the next month’s rotation, Spock’s gaze flickered to Jim’s; seeing that he was being watched, he excused himself to the labs. Uhura’s gaze darted back and forth between the two. Jim did his best not to cringe and turned his attention back to his yeoman, who is telling him the story of how the head chef had had a meltdown over someone saying his food wasn’t fit for pigs.

By the time their next mission came through, Jim was feeling almost back to normal. He was looking forward to meeting the Thorlorians and convincing them to join the Federation. For once negotiations went well, and with Spock at his back Jim signed a very lucrative contract ensuring mining and trading rights for the next two hundred years. They graciously accepted the Thorlorians’ invitation to stay for dinner. Jim was smug when he convinced Uhura that it would be rude not to serenade their new friends.

After three months they got permission to take shore leave. Jim, more than anyone, was looking forward to it. It was time he got back to all his usual habits. He was never going to be with Spock, and he accepted that. He’d probably always love Spock, but at least it wasn’t all-consuming like it had been before. He still had trouble being in Uhura’s presence, and meeting her eyes was sometimes still a challenge, but he looked at it as the price he paid for his night with Spock.

When they docked and the second wave of crew was beaming down, Bones came and pulled Jim away from the bridge. “Come on, Jim, we need to get to the bars before everyone finishes beaming down and all the good liquor is consumed and we’re stuck with watered-down wine.”

Jim would have laughed at the seriousness of Bones urgency, but he had to agree that watered-down wine was not conducive to his plans. “Not to mention all the attractive woman being taken.”

They pick a bar and ordered drinks. He ignored Bones’ curious look and made eyes at the alien at the end of the bar, but his flirting was only half-hearted. The night was young and there was still a chance of meeting someone more to his taste. A male at a table across the way caught his eye and lifted his glass in greeting. Where before Jim would have returned the salute and maybe smiled, he quickly turned his back and hunched into himself. He didn’t understand the reason for his reaction and just made him more frustrated.

He jumped when Bones put a hand on his shoulder. “We can leave if you want.”

“No, it’s all right.”

What he needed was to stop moping at the bar like some lovelorn fool and dance. He set his drink down determinedly and made his way to a table of females who had been sending him and Bones coy looks. He didn’t bother picking, just went up the nearest one and asked her to dance. She smiled and followed him. She was blonde and petite, and from the way she pressed herself against his body and started to move, she was looking for the same good time he was.

It was exactly what he needed. Someone he liked and was fun and wouldn’t mind the fact that he wouldn’t stick around longer than one night. He was wondering if he should just ask her to leave right now when Bones came up to him to ask if he wanted to stay or go to some other place.

When the girl he was dancing with caught sight of Bones, she grinned. Glancing at Jim, she pulled Bones’ arm and swiveled so she was in the middle, sandwiched between the two of them, then she began to grind on Bones. When he went to pull away, Jim reached over and grabbed his hips, keeping him in place and allowing the girl to rub against him obscenely. Jim knew he was hard up when he was totally getting off on watching his best friend get dry-humped.

He was stunned when Bones stayed and moved in rhythm with them. Another interesting fact which, had the ladies of the Enterprise known about it, would makes them swarm to their CMO, was that Bones could dance. More than once Jim had been envious of the way he could move with such sensuality that woman swarmed all over him.

He was pulled out of his lull when the girl pulled Bones down to kiss him, and rather thoroughly at that. Jim was about to bow out gracefully and head back to the bar when the girl broke the kiss and moved behind Bones and ran her hands down his chest and over his thighs. She smirked at Jim over Bones’ shoulder in clear challenge. Oh, he liked this one.

He looked at Bones, who was watching him. Jim quickly weighed the consequences of following through. Bones was his best friend, his CMO, and though they were at an out-of-the-way bar, there was still the possibility of other crew members around—not to mention that Bones might hit him and never speak to him again. Jim considered all this and decides that if Bones was still here, he must not object all that much, and it was enough for everything else to pale in comparison. He looked at girl and then cupped the back of Bones’ head and brought their lips together.

Damn, were his lips soft! Jim shifted a little, wanting a better taste. He felt Bones press a hand to his chest and assumed it was the signal for “let go,” but when he started to pull away the hand gripped his shirt. Jim, always one for a challenge, went back with more pressure and a swipe of tongue. When he felt Bones’ tongue asking for entrance, he opened readily. It should feel weird, kissing his best friend like this, but it didn’t. It was exciting and playful. He pulled back when Bones moaned into his mouth. The girl was whispering something into Bones’ ear, then they both looked at Jim. He knew that look—fuck, sometimes he thought he was born knowing it.

He shouted something about needing a drink and left them. When he turned around he saw Uhura and Spock standing near the edge of the dance floor, both of them staring at him. _Fuck._ Well, at least he knew they were the two most discreet people on the ship. He tried not to be obvious about it when he went around them to get the bar. He ordered a drink and then looked for Bones. He and the girl were still grinding away, but they did shoot him a glance. It didn’t take a genius to see where this night would be heading.

Jim was no stranger to threesomes, but he’d never indulged with someone he was as close to as he was Bones. Part of him was afraid and put off by the idea, and the other half was telling him he was single, the girl was hot, and if Bones didn’t object, why the hell not? An even darker part of him whispered he’d show Spock just what a slut he was.

He finished his drink and ordered another, then surreptitiously glanced around, looking for Spock and Uhura. They were sitting at a high top to the side of the dance floor. They appeared to be having a serious conversation, Uhura leaning forward and gesturing with an intense look on her face. Spock’s face was so impassive he seemed to be made of stone. _Trouble in paradise,_ Jim smirked to himself. He rubbed at the spot between his brows and wondered when he’d become so petty.

He was saved from his pondering by the return of Bones and the girl. “Hey, do you want to get out of here?” the girl asked.

He looked at Bones, asking nonverbally whether, if they did this, things would still be the same between them. Bones rolled his eyes and ran a hand down Jim’s side. Bones wasn’t a very physically affectionate person, but hanging out with Jim made him more open to receiving as well as giving small signs of regard. He usually only gave them when Jim was sick or needed comfort. So Jim took the gesture as it was meant and grinned.

He placed some credits on the bar and told Bones and the girl he’d be right back. He was washing his hands when Spock walked in. The Vulcan glared at the bathroom’s third and only other occupant and waited until he had skittered out before turning to Jim.

“You were untruthful. You told me you and Dr. McCoy were not physically intimate.”

Jim couldn’t help the swell of satisfaction at what he said next. “We’re not—yet.”

“I feel I must remind you of the impropriety of your behavior towards the doctor. You are a Starfleet Captain and, as such, have a responsibility to be the face of the Federation when abroad.”

Jim felt the guilty twist of his gut at Spock’s rebuke. He agreed, but tonight he didn’t want to hear it. “Doesn’t matter. We were just leaving.”

“Dr. McCoy looked quite taken with the female you were dancing with. Are you certain they will still be out there when you return?”

“Oh, yeah, she’s coming too.” With that he brushed past Spock and out into the hallway leading back to the bar.

He was stopped by Spock grabbing his arm. “Are you attempting to punish me?”

“And Uhura thinks I have an ego. It has nothing to do with you. Why don’t you scurry back to your girlfriend and enjoy your compatibility?”

Spock still wouldn’t release him, and Jim was seriously considering kneeing him when Bones appeared at his side. “Everything all right, Jim?”

“Yeah. Let’s go.”

“Jim.”

He ignored Spock and continued on, meeting back up with the girl, whose name he had yet to learn. Grinning, he asked, “Your place or ours?”

“Where’s your friend?”

Jim had assumed Bones was right behind him. Looking over his shoulder, he spotted him heading their way. He must have stayed to say something to Spock. Normally Jim would have been anxious. Those two didn’t need any more reasons to dislike each other. Tonight, though, he didn’t care. It was nice to know Bones would always have his back.

Once they were outside Jim did his best to try to recapture his earlier reckless mood, but it wasn’t working. He was angry and hurt. Usually it wouldn’t matter, but he was feeling just a little too raw for this to be a good idea. So he pulled Bones aside outside their hotel and said he was going to go back to the ship.

“Jim, if this is because you’re still worried about us, you know nothing will ever come between us.”

“Thanks, but I still think I’m going to pass.”

Bones scowled. “Whatever that jackass said to you, ignore him.” Jim shrugged and started to turn, but Bones grabbed his chin. “You are not a slut. I know I may joke with you, but I’m not serious. If I was as good looking as you I’d be taking full advantage of it, too.”

Jim looked at him and replied teasingly, “You’re attractive too, Bones. That mouth is just as sinful as the words that come out of it.” He sobered enough to say, “I wouldn’t be my best and you deserve it, Bones. So go enjoy. I want to hear all about it tomorrow.”

When he said goodnight to the girl she look extremely put out. He whispered something in her ear and then pulled back to look at her face. She was now staring at Bones like she couldn’t get him undressed fast enough. Satisfied, Jim walked away and called the ship to beam him up.

Once he was aboard he did a quick check-in with the crew on duty. He debated with himself before giving up and deciding to go to sickbay and ask the nurse in charge for a sedative. It was sure to get back to Bones, but he didn’t care. He just wanted to sleep and forget for a while. Luck, however, was not on his side, because he ran into Spock leaving sickbay as he was going in.

Spock stiffened and moved aside to let Jim past. “Are you injured?” he inquired. Jim might have been imagining it, but Spock sounded a bit anxious.

“No, I was just going to get a sedative.”

As he continued into sickbay, Spock said, “I’m not communicating with you as well as I used to. I find myself unable to express myself adequately.”

An ensign walked by and gave them a curious look. “This isn’t the place to be having this conversation,” Jim said.

He led them back to his room, studiously avoiding looking towards the bed. He was still angry and hurt, but he couldn’t deny himself the opportunity to be close to Spock, even if it meant hearing things he’d rather not hear. Being near the person he loved made him positively giddy. He could happily do nothing more than gaze at Spock all night. He had to forcefully remind himself of just why he was angry.

“So you were telling me you’re at a loss for words.”

Spock didn’t talk, though. Instead he shoved Jim back against the wall and kissed him fiercely. Jim put up a token struggle before kissing him back. When Spock pulled back so they could both breathe, he growled, “I can smell them on you.”

Jim didn’t know what to say to that. He wasn’t going to apologize. “Do I taste like them, too?”

“Not for long,” Spock promised darkly.

He plastered himself to Jim’s chest again and proceeded to lick the inside of Jim’s mouth. He tongue the ridges and then slid teasingly down the palate. Jim had a vague sense of being maneuvered and promptly sat down when the back of his legs encountered the bed. He leaned back on his elbows and looked up at Spock. Spock removed his shirt and started to undo his pants. When he was done he looked at Jim.

“When we melded, I saw your fantasies, Jim. I saw exactly what you desired to do to me.”

Jim shivered. He had thought about a lot of things he would like to do to Spock, not the least of which was Vulcan-kiss him. He held up two fingers, as he had seen Uhura and the Ambassador do. Spock pounced, knocking him backward as he ravished Jim’s mouth. He pulled away only when Jim was convinced he needed to breathe or he would pass out. Spock moved to Jim’s ear to lick and nip.

“There is one fantasy I have thought about much these past weeks.”

“Yeah?” Jim prompted.

Spock sat up. “You wish to penetrate me from below, to watch as I take my pleasure from your body. Would you like to fulfill that desire now, Jim?”

Jim was pretty certain all his circuits had just fried. Spock talking to him in that low, deep voice inquiring whether Jim wanted to fuck him was too much. “Fuck, Spock, _yes._ ”

Spock undressed him, and as each new expanse of skin was exposed he ran his fingertips across it, followed by his lips. Jim was on edge from all the sensation. It was both too much and not enough. When Spock reached into the bed stand he found the wherewithal to come up on his knees and pushed Spock down on his back. Jim took the lubricant from him and covered his own fingers.

“It is not necessary to prepare me. I am able to control—”

“Shut up.”

Spock allowed Jim to spread his legs, to settle himself there. Jim took his time to explore, peppering kiss on the inside of Spock’s thighs, running his tongue along the jutting hip bones, and finally biting and then sucking hard enough to leave a mark at the joining of thigh and torso before easing his fingers in. He levered himself up so he could look at Spock’s face. It was the whole point of insisting on preparing him. His face was lax and somehow soft in a way Jim had never seen before. Spock looked back him, and Jim couldn’t help himself. He leaned down to lick a strip on Spock’s neck.

When he finally removed his fingers and lay back on the bed he was at a place he’d never known before. The need was still there, very much a demanding presence, but it was nothing to the calm and peace he felt. _This is it, he thought, this is what it is to love another, to crave them with every molecule of your being._ He was no longer angry at Spock. If this was what he was looking for, Jim could only pray Spock would find it with him.

He watched with heated eyes as Spock straddled him and then took Jim’s cock in hand and lowered himself onto it, not stopping until he was fully embedded. It was a mesmerizing sight. Jim allowed him a few testing slides before he planted his feet on the mattress and pushed up forcefully. He was rewarded with Spock’s first sound, and once he heard it he wanted more.

He set about trying to unravel all of Spock’s tightly wound control. He tightened his grip on Spock’s hips, hopefully leaving bruises, and jerked Spock ruthlessly down onto his cock. Spock braced one hand on Jim’s chest while the other came up to press a against his lips. Jim opened his mouth and sucked greedily on the two fingers. Spock looked at him for a heartbeat and then threw his head back and ground down hard.

He could come like that. But Jim wanted to try something else. Spock lifted up, looking puzzled and not a little put out. Jim propped himself up on the pillows and said, “Turn around and straddle me again.”

When Spock followed his instructions and was moving once again, Jim put a hand on his back and gently pushed, signaling Spock to lower his torso. Spock leaned forward, placing his hands on either side of Jim’s legs, and began to rock. _Fuck yes,_ Jim thought. He had never had such a visceral reaction to penetrating someone before. He could only chalk it up to never having been in love like this before. He watched, entranced, as his cock disappeared inside of Spock’s ass over and over again.

It took considerable effort not to blurt out the depraved things he wanted to say; then he thought he might as well not bother when, after he thought of what Spock would look like bent over the Captain’s chair while the bridge looked on, Spock clenched tight around him and pushed back harder than before. When Jim finally tore his eyes away from where they were joined and looked up, Spock was looking at him over his shoulder. He looked so debauched that Jim had to still Spock’s hips so he wouldn’t come.

He discovered the spots quite by accident. He was running his fingers down Spock’s back, and when that got a positive response he used his fingernails. Just as he got to the base of Spock’s back he encountered raised skin. He went back and pressed lightly, and Spock jerked.

“Like that, do you?” Jim murmured.

“Jim, I—”

“You’re beautiful,” Jim said, and he wanted to tell Spock he loved him. Spock knew he did, even if he’d never said it out loud.

Instead he pressed his thumbs into the swollen spots on Spock’s back and watched as he stiffened and came, untouched. Jim pulled out and sat up, gently pushing Spock to lie on his back. He wanted to look at him as he came. Spock settled and pulled Jim down on top of him. They kissed languidly as Jim pushed in and starts moving. It was a fast and harsh rhythm and it felt good, but Jim wanted more. There was a brief moment when he pulled back and looked at Spock. It was hard for him to grasp the fact that he was moving inside of Spock—his first officer—but fuck, it was good, and he gave a particularly hard thrust at the thought.

When he knew he was close Jim grabbed Spock’s hand and brought it to his face. “Do it,” he breathed.

He barely had time from one breath to the next before Spock was there inside his head. He felt the sensation of penetrating and being penetrated again, and the feedback loop of pleasure just kept escalating until Spock murmured something in Vulcan and Jim felt him brush at something and then everything went white like before.

He came back to himself draped over Spock and being…petted. He untangled himself and went into the bathroom. When he returned he was surprised to see Spock still there. They traded places, and Jim got it. He had just about drifted off when Spock returned from the bathroom. Jim was startled out of his stupor when the mattress dipped.

He turned over. “You’re staying?”

Spock paused. “If you would prefer, I can return to my own quarters.”

“No, stay.” Jim emphasized his point by reaching for Spock, who pulled him close and rubbed his fingers against Jim’s.

“Jim, if you do not mind I would increase the temperature by five degrees.”

Jim blushed at not having thought about it before. Uhura probably would have. He gave the order and pulled the covers up. Truthfully he as a little in awe of the situation and not entirely certain what to do. Spock just continued to stroke his fingers and told him to sleep. It was one order he didn’t mind taking.

Jim awakened some time during the early morning hours. He was a little disoriented and not sure what had woken him up. He took in the warmer air and the presence next him. He wanted to reach out and touch Spock, but he knew it would wake him so he settled for just looking at his outline in the dark. He tried to fall back asleep but couldn’t.

He quietly slipped out of bed and went into the main area. He tried to read, but he kept stopping at every paragraph to think, and it was making his head hurt. He had all these questions and no answers, and he wasn’t about to go all clingy on Spock and ask him to define what they were doing.

He was startled from his brooding when Spock sat down at the other end of the couch. “Please calm yourself. You’re projecting quite loudly.”

“Sorry,” Jim mumbled, embarrassed. Great—he’d woken Spock up with all his angst.

“Do not apologize.” Spock shifted and Jim was fascinated to realize that Spock was uncomfortable. “Jim, that day in the conference room I was not calling you promiscuous. I ask your forgiveness for giving you that impression. I had only meant to imply that I did not think you would mind if I had tested our sexual compatibility since you must agree that, if we were not compatible in that area, there would be no point in continuing.”

Jim couldn’t look at him as he answered. “You can’t know how it felt, feeling as I do about you, to know the only reason you slept with me was because you were trying to decide if I was worth the effort.”

“Jim, I would not have broken with Nyota if I didn’t think you were worth the effort. I care very deeply for her and it displeases me no end to know that I have hurt her. I did not just go to bed with you to test compatibility. I did it because I wanted to.”

He still couldn’t look at Spock, although something slowly unclenched inside of his stomach at Spock’s words. Jim was uncertain what to say, so he stayed silent. When Spock leaned over and palmed his cheek Jim couldn’t help but meet his eyes.

“I care about you—not in the same way I care for Nyota, but given time I think it would surpass anything I feel for her.”

Jim didn’t realize he was holding his breath until he let it out. “Okay.” If Spock needed time, then okay. It was enough that he was here now. Because Jim couldn’t hold it back, no matter how stupid it would make him feel, he said, “I love you.”

Spock’s reply was to pull Jim onto his lap and kiss him breathless.


End file.
